Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
