Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize