Swine flu. Run for my life!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
