How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
