I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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