I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
