One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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