why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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