I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
