Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think my vagina is haunted
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
