Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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