Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I need to sanitize my soul.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
