The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
