I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
