oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
