OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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