my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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