why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize