go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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