The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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