Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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