she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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