dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
