A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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