So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
