so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
