i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
