Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
