Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
