a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
