remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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