Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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