i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You made out with two different species that night
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
