You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
