woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
