closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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