If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
