my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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