Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
