And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize