New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
