i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Michael Bay diarrhea
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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