just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
