Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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