never play flip cup with pint glasses
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
