Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
