sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
