I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I stole a fireplace last night.
being pregnant is like rehab
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
