on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
