I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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