Someone shit on the floor
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
