I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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