We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize