On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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