I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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