seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
