Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
